Step into The Tragedy of the Shylock Crappy Camper Company, a gripping tale of betrayal, resilience, and justice!
Roo prepares to battle the crappy camper company
Discover the gripping story of ambition, betrayal, and redemption in this captivating tale of deceit in the off-road camper industry as presented in a Shakespearean Style three act play suitable to be performed at the Globe Theatre. When SIR BITS, a hopeful adventurer, falls victim to the hollow promises of SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY, he embarks on a quest to expose their lies. With the help of the resourceful HUMBLE BLOGGER and a community of wronged customers, they wage a battle for truth and justice, taking on corporate greed with wit, resilience, and an unyielding drive for accountability.
Packed with drama, humor, and a powerful message about the strength of collective action, Lies on Four Wheels is a must-read for anyone who loves a good underdog story. Will truth prevail, or will deception roll on unchallenged? Buckle up, adjust your codpiece and leggings, and find out!
LIES ON FOUR WHEELS
A Play in 3 Acts
Act I: The Veil of Deception
Scene I: The Marketplace of High Hopes
Enter SIR BITS, a rugged adventurer with maps and dreams, striding purposefully into a lively marketplace. Merchants hawk their wares, and the air buzzes with chatter of journeys untold. At the far end of the market, the stall of SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY stands, bedecked with banners and bunting proclaiming “The Pinnacle of Off-Road Freedom!”
SIR BITS:
Oh, what promise lies within yon glimmering stall?
A camper bold, to crown my noble steed,
To mount my Gladiator, forge new trails,
And conquer wilderness with Saturn's grace.
What sayest thou, good merchant, to my quest?
Enter CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY, dressed in garish colors, with a cunning smile.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY:
Fair sir, you seek the pinnacle of craft,
A shell to shroud your Jeep Gladiator bright,
And lend it wings where once it merely rolled.
Our crappy EXON camper, finest in the land,
Will grant thee freedom ‘neath the starry skies.
Shall I prepare the papers for thy dreams?
SIR BITS:
Aye, good Cajoja, prepare thy pen and ink.
For I would trust in honest hands to shape
The vessel of my hope. I ask but this:
Doth it preserve my steed's most sacred arts?
Uconnect and Sirius, their light unquenched?
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY (aside, with a sly grin):
Such trifles matter not to our grand craft,
But speak it not, lest trust dissolve to dust.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY (to SIR BITS):
Fear not, bold traveler, all shall remain intact.
The camper fits as moonlight suits the sea.
SIR BITS:
Then take my coin, and with it all my trust.
May this union prove as steadfast as the stars.
Exit SIR BITS with a gleaming smile as CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY cackles softly under his breath.
Scene II: The Journey Begins, Yet Marred by Shadows
SIR BITS now stands beside his Jeep Gladiator, its once-pristine form now crowned with the camper. He adjusts his hat, ready to embark, but pauses as the voice emitator emits nothing but static.
SIR BITS:
What devilry hath beset my mighty steed?
No music flows, no map, no voice to guide.
This cannot be! My steed's heart hath been stilled!
Hark, Shylock’s crew, what treachery is this?
Enter MESSENGER from SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY, with scrolls and tools but an air of disinterest.
MESSENGER:
Thy woes, good sir, are but a trifling glitch.
A simple act of relocation’s art
Shall mend the breach and breathe new life to thee.
Mount thou the antenna upon thy visor's peak,
And all shall sing as once it surely did.
SIR BITS:
Relocate? My steed is under jeep warranty!
Wouldst thou have me drill and mar its form,
And void the sacred pact I made with Jeep?
This is no answer—‘tis insult profound.
Why wast thou silent ere the deal was struck?
MESSENGER (shrugging):
My lords knew well, yet chose their tongues be stilled.
Their coffers weighed more heavily than thy trust.
SIR BITS:
O perfidy! My hopes now lie in ruin,
And yet thy masters offer no redress.
This wound shall not be borne in voiceless grief.
Prepare thy walls, Shylock, for they shall quake.
Exit MESSENGER in haste as SIR BITS mounts his Gladiator, a fire burning in his eyes.
Scene III: The Court of Public Opinion
The stage shifts to a bustling tavern filled with fellow adventurers and wanderers. SIR BITS stands upon a table, addressing the crowd.
SIR BITS:
Attend, brave friends, and hearken to my tale.
For I have met the serpent in the market,
Whose promises of freedom masked deceit.
The crappy Shylock camper, fit for none but fools,
Hath stilled my Jeep Gladiator's mighty heart.
Its Sirius silence mocks my trust betrayed.
The crowd murmurs, some in shock, others in anger. Enter HUMBLE BLOGGER, with a quill in hand.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
Speak on, dear SIR BITS, and let thy voice resound.
For in thy tale lies justice yet to bloom.
Together shall we spread thy warning wide,
And light the truth to shame Shylock’s dark halls.
SIR BITS:
Aye, let us write, and write with fiery ink.
We’ll show the world their lies and foul neglect.
Let social streams bear witness to their sins,
And hashtags rise as banners to the fight.
Their reckoning shall come, as justice wills!
The crowd erupts into cheers as the HUMBLE BLOGGER dips their quill and begins to write furiously. In the shadows, a cloaked figure watches silently, their motives unclear.
Scene IV: The Boardroom of Shadows
Within SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY's dimly lit lair, CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY sits at a table surrounded by barristers. Scrolls detailing complaints and lawsuits pile high.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY:
The rabble stirs; their cries grow ever loud.
Our deeds, once veiled in shadows, face the sun.
What counsel, my advisors, to this storm?
ADVISOR 1:
Discredit SIR BITS, and cast his tale as lies.
Proclaim him naught but a malcontented fool.
ADVISOR 2:
Nay, drown his cries beneath our crafted tales,
For wealth can oft rewrite the loudest truth.
ADVISOR 3:
Or we might mend our ways, and face the truth.
Though bitter, such a path might heal our name.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY (sneering):
Mend our ways? Nay, let them rage and rant.
Their voices fade as waves upon the shore.
We’ll bide our time, and silence shall return.
The stage darkens, but a flicker of light remains—a symbol of the fight yet to come.
Act II: The Gathering Storm
Roo Discussing Shylock Crappy Camper Company in the Pub.
Scene I: The Alliance of the Wronged
The stage opens in a dimly lit tavern, the air heavy with the murmurs of adventurers. SIR BITS stands at a large table, surrounded by a growing crowd of dissatisfied customers—each bearing tales of woe from dealing with SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY. At the table’s head, HUMBLE BLOGGER scribbles furiously, documenting their grievances.
SIR BITS:
Friends, companions of sorrowed journeys, hark!
We are bound not by roads but by betrayal.
Shylock’s deceit hath poisoned each of our quests.
Their campers, touted as beacons of freedom,
Have shackled our steeds and soured our hopes.
Let us join our voices, a chorus of justice,
To topple this colossus of lies.
CUSTOMER 1:
Aye, SIR BITS, thy tale echoes mine own grief.
Their camper’s weight hath made my Toyota Tacoma lurch,
A top-heavy beast, prone to treacherous sway.
They knew it ill-fit, yet sold it still.
CUSTOMER 2:
And mine Jeep Gladiator, once mighty, now still.
Their camper blocked my signals, my maps, my stars.
When I cried foul, they offered but silence.
Shylock must answer for these wrongs!
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
Fear not, my friends, for I wield the quill.
With ink as sharp as steel, I’ll craft our plight.
Together we’ll make a tempest of truth,
To shake the walls of Shylock’s darkened halls.
SIR BITS:
And more than ink, we’ll take to the fields.
Social streams shall carry our tales like fire.
Let every hashtag strike a blow to their name,
And every post light up their shadowed deeds.
Who stands with me to see this wrong set right?
The crowd erupts into cheers, raising fists and tankards. The energy of revolution fills the air.
Scene II: Shylock’s Defense Unravels
The stage shifts to the opulent boardroom of SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY. CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY sits at the head of the table, flanked by barristers. Scrolls and parchments scatter the table, bearing evidence of mounting complaints. A MESSENGER enters, breathless and pale.
MESSENGER:
My lords, the tide hath turned against our walls.
The rabble grows, their voices shaking the air.
Their words spread far, swift as hawks in flight.
Our name, once gilded, now lies steeped in mud.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY:
Bah! They are but gnats, buzzing in the heat.
What can their words do against our coffers’ weight?
ADVISOR 1:
Not gnats, my lord, but lions now they seem.
The HUMBLE BLOGGER hath called forth a mighty storm.
Each post, a dagger; each comment, a wound.
Their hashtags rise as banners to the fight.
ADVISOR 2:
Their tales have reached the ear of influencers.
The mighty mouths of YouTube and the streams
Now echo cries of Shylock’s foul deceit.
The damage mounts, my lord—our walls grow thin.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY (rising, enraged):
Enough! Shall we, the masters of this craft,
Bow low to fools who chatter from the dark?
Dispatch our heralds, spin gilded tales anew.
Promise repairs, refunds, and endless cheer.
Appease them—if only to stay their wrath.
ADVISOR 3:
My lord, shall we not face the truth at last?
To mend the wrongs may save us in the end.
These flames cannot be quenched with hollow words.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY:
Silence, fool! I’ll hear no more of mending.
Let them rage; their fury shall soon fade.
And we, untouched, shall rise again unscathed.
The lights dim on the boardroom as CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY’s voice echoes with hubris.
Scene III: The Battle of the Airwaves
The stage transitions to a legal battlefield. The room is full of displayed posts, moving pictures, and comments flying like arrows. At center stage, HUMBLE BLOGGER stands before the mass of documents, flanked by SIR BITS and other allies.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
The battle rages, friends, but we hold the field.
See here, our latest strike—a moving drawing bold,
Recounting every wrong Shylock hath wrought.
The views do climb; their fortress shakes with shame.
SIR BITS:
Yet still they send their hollow words to us.
“Relocate,” they say, “drill holes, pay the price.”
Their arrogance knows no bounds, it seems.
CUSTOMER 2:
What of their latest claim? They’ve promised repairs.
Can their words be trusted, or is it yet a ruse?
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
Their promises are smoke, meant to beguile.
We must press on, relentless as the tide.
The truth shall be our blade, our shield, our cause.
A young man arrives with a message. HUMBLE BLOGGER smiles, triumphant.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
Behold! A newsman calls for our account.
Our plight shall now be known across the land.
Shylock shall find no refuge in their lies.
SIR BITS:
Then to the front, my friends, and let us strike.
The pen, the post, the hashtag—our mighty arms.
For justice waits, and we shall see it served.
They charge forward, their voices rising in a unified cry.
Scene IV: The Collapse of Deception
The stage shifts back to SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY. The once-grand boardroom is now in disarray. CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY sits slumped at the table, scrolls of demands and legal notices piled high. ADVISORS whisper anxiously, while the MESSENGER enters, defeated.
MESSENGER:
My lord, the tide hath swept our walls away.
The press now tells of our misdeeds and faults.
The people clamor; refunds they demand.
And more—some cry for reckoning in court.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY (wringing hands):
No! This cannot be! My plans were flawless spun.
How could mere words bring down my mighty throne?
ADVISOR 1:
Your arrogance hath brought this ruin, sire.
The people’s trust, once broken, cannot mend.
ADVISOR 3:
Had we but heeded truth and owned our faults,
This tide of wrath might yet have been forestalled.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY rises, trembling, and looks to the audience.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY:
Is this the price of hubris? My empire fades.
I sought to silence, yet their voices rise.
What now remains but ruin and regret?
The stage darkens as CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY sinks into his chair, the weight of his choices heavy upon him.
Act III: Justice Delivered
Roo Wins Against the Shylock Crappy Camper Company in Court
Scene I: The People's Tribunal
The stage is a grand hall filled with customers, high society, and legal representatives. At its center stands a tribunal table where HUMBLE BLOGGER and SIR BITS present their case. Across from them, CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY and ADVISORS sit grimly, flanked by their barristers.
TRIBUNAL JUDGE:
We gather here to weigh the grievances
Of those betrayed by promises of gold,
By Shylock Crappy Camper Company, once trusted, now defamed.
Let each side speak, and justice guide our hand.
HUMBLE BLOGGER rises, unfurling a long scroll of evidence.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
Most noble court, we come with hearts unbowed,
Yet heavy-laden with tales of wrongs endured.
Shylock’s deceit hath wounded each of us,
From loss of safety to silenced steed's commands.
Behold these scrolls, the cries of countless voices,
Each tale a shard of truth, each shard a blade.
Let their words speak what Shylock sought to hide.
SIR BITS steps forward, presenting documents and drawings. Screens above the stage display artists renditions of damaged vehicles, customer complaints, and dismissive responses from SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY.
SIR BITS:
These are the lives your silence left in ruin.
Your campers, crafted with no heed for balance,
Have tipped their steeds, their safety cast aside.
Your promises were gilded chains of lies.
CUSTOMER 3 (rising from the gallery):
And what of us, whose trust you sought to break?
My family, stranded on the desert’s edge,
When your camper failed—no aid, no word.
Gasps ripple through the hall as the CUSTOMER holds up a letter of denial from SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY. HUMBLE BLOGGER steps in with calm resolve.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
This court shall see the pattern in their craft:
Lies upon lies, gilded promises with naught beneath.
The people’s trust, once broken, cannot mend.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY rises angrily, slamming a fist on the table.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY:
Enough! These are but tales of discontent,
The whining of those who could not wield our craft.
Shall we be punished for their failures, too?
SIR BITS steps forward, his voice ringing clear and unwavering.
SIR BITS:
Failures? Aye, failures not of our hands,
But yours, who sold the dream and made it naught.
You knew the flaws—knew the dangers—and still,
You sealed your coffers with the coin of fools.
At this, an ADVISOR hastily hands CAJOJA a note. He falters, but quickly regains composure.
TRIBUNAL JUDGE:
Enough! This bickering shall cease at once.
Let evidence now guide the truth.
HUMBLE BLOGGER reveals a sealed envelope marked with SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY's logo. The gallery falls silent.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
This letter, found by one brave soul within,
Confirms their knowledge of the flaws they sold.
They knew, and yet they chose the path of greed.
CAJOJA OF SHYLOCK CRAPPY CAMPER COMPANY looks visibly shaken. The gallery erupts in murmurs as the JUDGE raises a hand for silence.
TRIBUNAL JUDGE:
The truth stands plain, as bright as morning light.
We shall retire to weigh this damning proof,
And justice, swift, shall soon reveal its hand.
The stage darkens as the JUDGE exits with the evidence. The tension in the room is palpable as the gallery waits in hushed anticipation.
Scene II: A Victory for Truth
The stage shifts back to the tavern, now bright and filled with celebration. SIR BITS, HUMBLE BLOGGER, and the gathered customers toast their victory as news spreads of the court's ruling.
SIR BITS:
Friends, today the wheels of justice turned,
And truth, though slow, hath triumphed in the end.
Our voices, once but whispers in the wind,
Have risen loud and clear, a mighty storm.
CUSTOMER 2:
Shylock shall think twice ere they deceive again.
Our stand today protects tomorrow’s dreams.
HUMBLE BLOGGER:
Aye, this victory is ours, yet let us keep
Our vigilance, for others may yet rise
To trade in lies and profit from despair.
SIR BITS:
Then let our tale endure, a warning flame.
No merchant thrives when honor is for sale.
Together we have shown that even giants
Fall, when truth and justice light the way.
The crowd cheers, raising their glasses. Music fills the air as the stage dims, save for a single spotlight on HUMBLE BLOGGER and SIR BITS.
HUMBLE BLOGGER (to the audience):
And thus we write the final page this day.
Let Shylock’s tale remind us all of this:
The people’s voice, united, cannot fail.
Let truth prevail, and let deceit beware.
SIR BITS:
Now, friends, to journeys new! Our steeds restored,
The open road awaits, with skies unbound.
They raise their glasses one final time as the lights fade to black.
Epilogue
As the curtain falls, the stage is illuminated by a single beam of light on a tattered Shylock Crappy Camper Company banner. Beneath it, a large sign reads:
"Closed Until Hell Doeth Freeze Over."
[Curtain closes.]